


You saved the God damn world. But I was there, in the middle of it all

by iantosgal



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-27
Updated: 2013-06-27
Packaged: 2017-12-16 08:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/860131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iantosgal/pseuds/iantosgal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He was passed out on the sofa when the dream hit. Same one, over and over again. Countless nameless faces dying beneath his hands.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	You saved the God damn world. But I was there, in the middle of it all

Leonard went to his room, locked the door, grabbed his whiskey and threw himself down on the sofa.

Today had been...awful.

Ever since the Narada incident life had been one big blur of meetings and memorial services and interviews and more meeting and more memorial services. It had been hell.

Jim had seemed to take it all in his stride but Leonard wasn’t an idiot. Behind those twinkling blue eyes, Jim was hurting and he was panicking. Jim Kirk, the new poster boy of Starfleet. He had to shine.

So Leonard didn’t burden him with his own problems. Didn’t tell Jim that his nightmares were so bad now he barely slept, didn’t tell him that he was terrified of going back into space, of being a CMO, of having to...save people.

He just drank.

And drank.

And drank.

No one had noticed yet. No one had mentioned that he was hung-over and often still a little bit drunk at all the meetings. No one had mentioned anything when he’d cleaned off an entire bottle of whiskey at the latest memorial service. No one had even noticed.

Or so he thought.

He was passed out on the sofa when the dream hit. Same one, over and over again. Countless nameless faces dying beneath his hands. Explosions all around him, screaming, crying. He woke with a sob and found Jim sat on the chair, watching him.

Jim had his chin resting on his clasped hands and there were tears in his eyes.

“Bones...” Jim whispered.

Leonard pushed himself up and scrubbed a hand over his face. How long had Jim been sitting there?

“Jim, what are you doing here?”

Jim said nothing, just watched Leonard in a way that made him feel entirely exposed. The silence stretched and Leonard found himself fidgeting.

“Jim...”

“I’m worried about you, Bones,” Jim said, so quietly it was almost a whisper.

“I’m fine...”

“No, you’re not. You drinking too much, you barely eat and, no offence man, but you look like shit.”

Leonard said nothing, just stared into Jim’s blue eyes, shining with unshed tears, and felt his resolve begin to crumble. He shook his head and pushed himself of the sofa. He needed to get away from Jim. He needed to get away from everything.

But Jim stopped him before he’d gone two steps. He grabbed Leonards arm and spun him so that they stood face to face, just inches apart.

“Bones...” Jim whispered, reaching up to brush a kiss against Leonard’s lips. “Talk to me, please.”

“No.” Leonard shook his head and blinked away the tears that threatened to spill. “Jim, don’t, please.”

Jim kissed him again, a light press of lips so tender, that it pulled a broken sound from Leonard.

“It’s ok, Bones, I got ya. I’ve got you. You’re ok.”

“I know...but they’re not.”

Jim’s brow creased for a moment before understanding dawned.

“Oh, Bones. You did all you could.”

“Did I?” Leonard looked Jim straight in the eye and saw the veiled shock there.

“Of course you did!”

 

“I should have done more.”

“Bones...”

“You weren’t there, Jim,” Leonard snarled, pulling away from Jim’s gentle embrace and losing control of his pain and his anger, letting it burst from him. Why was Jim being so understanding? He didn’t understand, he never could?

“What do you mean?” Jim asked, confusion in his voice, his eyes looked lost and hurt and it made Leonard turn away. He stared into the middle distance instead, but there the images from the Enterprise bombard him, no longer held off by the reassuring power that was Jim Kirk.

“You were off trying to get yourself killed all the time. You were on the bridge or free falling through space or rescuing Pike. I get it; you went through a lot, Jim. You saved the God damn world. But I was there, in the middle of it all. Everyone was dying Jim and there was nothing I could do. I tried, God knows I tried, but it wasn’t good enough, Jim. I wasn’t good enough. I should have done more. I should have saved them. Oh God, why couldn’t I save them?”

He knows there are tears coursing down his face and Jim is close again, but Leonard can’t look, won’t look. He doesn’t want to see the compassion and the understanding. He doesn’t know what he wants.

“And then I just let Spock maroon you on some Godforsaken planet and I didn’t even try and stop him. What kind of friend does that? How can you love someone and just let that happen to them?”

“You love me?”

Leonard finally turned and found Jim was standing so close, he could count every eyelash.

“Yes. Of course I do.”

Jim kissed him and it was filled with so much love that it made Leonard sob again. Jim made soothing noises as he manoeuvred them so they were sitting on the sofa, Leonard pulled into Jim’s arms so that his head rested on Jim’s chest.

“Everything’s gonna be ok, Bones. I promise.”

“I can’t go back, Jim,” Leonard confessed to Jim’s shirt in a small voice.

“Yes , you can.”

“I’m scared.”

“Me too.”

They stayed that way for almost half an hour. No words were spoken. They just sat, clutching each other.

“I think you need to talk to someone. Get past all this.” Jim said eventually.

“I can’t.”

“Bones, you do realise you’re showing signs of PTSD, right?”

Leonard shook his head even as his brain screamed at him that Jim was right.

He was a doctor. He didn’t get things like that. He advised his patients to get help, to talk to people, but Doctor McCoy would have seen it coming, would have been able to deal with it better than turning towards booze and away from his friends, food and sleep. From Jim.

He would have coped better.

He tried to get away but Jim pulled him back. Jim held him close and he cried and he struggled but Jim wouldn’t let him go.

When he’d calmed down he looked up at Jim.

“I know I am,” he finally answered Jim’s question. “I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll get you help, Bones, I promise I’m gonna make everything better. I swear.” Jim carded his fingers through Leonard’s hair. “I love you. I love you so much. I’m gonna fix this.”

Leonard closed his eyes and let the warmth of Jim wash over him.

“I’ll have to talk to Pike.”

Leonard stiffened and pulled back from Jim to look into his eyes.

“Why?”

“Because there is no way I’m going back out there without you and PTSD isn’t something you just get over. So, we need to find a solution, even if that means staying grounded.”

Leonard shook his head. There was no way he was going to let Jim stay grounded. He was the Captain of the USS Enterprise.

“No, Jim, I promise I’ll get better. I’ll go into the black no matter what. I’d do anything for you.”

Jim smiled and kissed Leonard.

“I’d do anything for you too, Bones, that’s kind of my point. I want you to get better, you’re far more important to me than anything in the universe. You’re more important than being a captain, more important than the Enterprise, more important that anything.”

He pulled Leonard back into his arms.

“No matter what, Bones, we’ll get through this. Together.”


End file.
